This is a question I have been asking myself for a while. Being a 37 year old single woman is not always a easy thing, but it is no terrible either. My husband died almost 11 years ago and I am on the adventure of my life. Traveling and visiting, seeing places and passing through locations I never thought I would see. I feel happy and peaceful for the first time in my life and will never regret my decision to try and see a few little spots in this wonderful US-of-A.
When it comes to dating I live by certain codes.
1. I will not date or have sex with a man who has been with someone I know well. I don't care if they did break up, if the woman is not OK with it I AM NOT OK WITH IT! And in reality it kinda creeps me out thinking about sharing a penis with one of my friends. BLEECH!
2. I am not interested in women. Yes I am straight and while I love my female companions in life. I never have nor will I ever see them sexually.
3. I am a big woman who will not apologize for my size. If you don't like it don't look. While I might be HUGE woman(6'4 and 600+ lbs) in comparison to others, I have never had a lack of attention from men.
4. Be open and honest with your needs and wants to avoid confusion.
And I am ending it here because I could go on.
5. When it comes to dating I prefer a man in my age range. Being a Cougar is not my style.
Now I have dated a younger man a few times in my life. 2-4 years isn't much of a difference. I was engaged at one time to a man 6 1/2 years younger and I felt weird about us dating at first. I was turning 31 and he had just turned 24. I did realize that 6 1/2 years wasn't that much of a gap when we had so much in common and we enjoyed each other. Alas it did not end well, and I felt a lesson was learned.
After that relationship I was being approached even more often by younger men. I wondered how could women in there 40's or older date such young men? Like the ones who were approaching me. What future do you have if any? Doesn't it feel strange dating or going to bed with someone closer to your children's age? Is being a Cougar a good lifestyle for a woman?
Definition of a Cougar (about.com) - The most commonly-accepted definition of a cougar is a woman 40 years of age or older who exclusively pursues very young men. The onset of the cougar years is hotly debated. Some feel that a cougar can be as young as 35, but women of this age would not be viewed as cougars unless their sexual conquests were no older than 25; the ten-year age difference seems to be an unspoken but accepted minimum between partners.
Typically, cougars prey upon men almost young enough to be their sons. Thus forty-something cougars would be attracted to men in their 20s, and fifty-something cougars would pursue men in their 30s and so on.
During my daily life I do not pursue younger men, I am the one being pursued. These men are not a few years younger than me, but 10 years or more younger. Some just out of high school at the age of 19 or 20 years old. I constantly tell these men that the age difference is too great, but they do not back down, they are determined to show they are a man, and one worthy of a date. A man who can hold his own and be a companion to a older women.
While networking I talk to many women. I have learned that the average cougar is not what is seen on TV, A super slim, plastic surgery patient, who is rich or well to do, searching bars at night or meeting in night clubs to pick out and go after younger men. The average cougar is not a predator at all, I'm not even sure cougar is the right term. They are taking care of home, maybe a widow, divorced or single. Maybe they have children or maybe not, They are not HUNTING for younger men, they are chased by them. Slowly being convinced by these young men that they should be given a chance to spend time, date or maybe more. Yes many of these young men want relationships, and are more than ready to start a life with a woman who is not in their age range.
In fact many younger men have a strong resistance to seriously dating women their own age. I have heard it all.
"It is just to much drama and problems". a 23 year old told me.
"If its not their gay best friend, it is every female friend they got in our business, or their family or mama". One 27 year old said
"If I treat them nice they treat me like a dog". "If I am a asshole they love it and cant get enough, I cant be a asshole and I don't want to be either". a 25 year old young man vehemently spat.
"I don't want to live in a reality show, have you seen how some of these chicks act"? a laughing 24 year old told me during a phone conversation.
"They dress like candy canes, act like drama queens, and have no sense of pride". a 21 year old told me strongly one evening at a dinner. He was a bus-boy.
"Maybe it is the females your picking". I said in reply.
"Why do you think I am talking to you, your a real grown up woman".
"That is what I want". The 21 year old told me with out hesitation.
I never wanted to date a man that much younger than me because I felt my own mother made a mistake in marring my father 10 years younger than her.
My mom was a young mother in her early 20's (with 3 children), when my father (only 11 years old at the time) would pass by every day to look at my mother from afar. Sometimes going inside and saying hello. My mother worked at the local dry cleaners in the Bronx NY, to provide for her children from her 1st marriage (an abusive drug addicted man she divorced). She worked very hard and was a good mother. My father had a full blown school boy crush (one that I have found most men share) the crush on there ultimate woman.
She is the woman around the block or town, she is the teacher they love or hate, she is the baby sitter that cared for them, the female friend of their mother or mother of one of their friends. She exudes everything womanly. In her 30's 40's or 50's these women that boys love as they grow up, are everything they want in a woman. They represent the ultimate in female, strong, confident, self-assured, provider, temptress, fully mature with ripened breasts. Bellies that have carried children, and legs and butts that have swollen. They have a movement that is looser, more relaxed than a young woman but is not of a old woman. She is just right. She comes in all forms, tall, short, skinny, fat, really fat, and all in between, she can be dark or light, long hair or short. She is exactly what the young man sees as attractive. She can be every woman or fit a certain type.
She isn't seen as a mother figure like most people believe. In fact many younger men hate the term cub (the cougar and her cub) because they date older women. These women do not represent MOTHER, one young man told me. They represent everything womanly and feminine, confident and able, mentally stable and no-nonsense.
"They are the best of everything that is WOMAN"! one 26 year old told me as we had a conversation.
My fathers crush lasted way into his late teens and developed. When he finally was a physically mature man and able to go into the navy (during Vietnam) he told my mother he wanted to marry her and would be back. He wrote her letters during the war, and while he saw others, he never lost sight of the woman he really wanted, the one who he had been watching for years. While his teenage hellos went by unnoticed by my mother, his love grew, Until finally he was a man and could express it.
After the war he came back actively pursuing, wooing, and married my mother at the ripe old age of 21 with my mother being 31. No one could tell the difference in age (My family line is one that gracefully ages, on both sides, always looking 10 years or more younger.) I was born when my father was 26 and my mother 36. They loved each other fiercely but yet my father was still to young mentally and life was not happy. Mom tried hard to make it work, but after 11 years of marriage it was over. My mother divorced my father all the while he protested. My Father has said he owes everything to my mother she taught him so much and he changed because of her. He grew up. Still to this day my father would do anything for my mother if he could. I guess you never lose sight of your first love.
I didn't want to be that woman, helping a young man grow up. NO I WANT A MAN WHO IS GROWN ALREADY! But during the dating process I started to notice something. Many men (not all but many) in my age range who are single, and available, seem so sad, mad, hopeless, hurt, and yes some down right depressed and affected. Lets say jaded in some ways, maybe years of hurt, pain, and failed relationships took its toll on them. To the point they don't even try anymore.
The younger man isn't that way, they are hopeful, ready, happy, funny, and looking for some joy to counter act the hard work they are putting into developing themselves. Younger men still have some romance left in them. They take a chance in speaking to a woman even if they feel she is out of there league. They are not as afraid of rejection and openly flirt, yet they don't have particular expectations. Open to listening and talking, not judging and enjoy what the older woman has to say. They appreciate a older woman who spends whether its talking, going out, or more. They know she doesn't have to pick them to spend time with and are happy if she does.
Men my age feel that if they have a house, car, and a job they don't need anything else. Maybe that will impress a woman in her 20's but a woman in my age range needs more than that. Chances are we already have our own house, car, job and maybe more than what he has. He isn't giving the one thing that would impress a woman in her 30's 40's 50's genuine interest, companionship, and worth. Many men in there 30's 40's 50's feel if he isn't getting exactly what he wants, as he wants it, then getting to know a female is a waste of time. Why even bother having a conversation if she doesn't fit in his little box of wants, forget that she is a individual of her own. It is what she can do or will do for him immediately. The thing I don't get is if you don't get to know a person how can you figure out what they can or cannot do? Most importantly what can you do for her in return other than talk about yourself and the items you own.
It seems like The difference in approach is significant.
As a loose example here are two approaches from men that happened to me with in a week period. (this does not represent all men)
The Man in his 30's - He saw me our eyes locked and he walked past me. I saw the attraction and waved hello to him but he kept going only coming back when a friend of mine was walking to my vehicle. He got my name from her and then came over to speak to me. We spoke briefly he flirted some but was more focused on telling me what he had, such as house, car, etc. He thought I was 25 when I told him I was 37 he was surprised. We exchanged numbers and the phone call he promised, didn't happen. He texted me a invitation to his house two days later and when I suggested we meet up to get to know each other he declined. I understood he was only looking for one thing but the way he handled the situation was totally classless. I could have been looking for the same thing but he guaranteed rejection with his actions. What happen to the Get to Know a Person Process?
The Man in his early 20's - Upon parking I was getting together my items to place in my shopping cart to enter my residence. He was sitting outside smoking a cigarette. My cart rolled away, He ran up to help me, His eyes were large and almost dreamy while I said thank you and put my items inside. He watched me carefully and smiled at me as I started walking. He opened doors and kept asking me questions about myself and answering questions about himself. He made me laugh and I didn't want to go inside because this was a nice conversation. He was also was surprised at my age, he thought I was 26 (he is 24).
When i told him my age he said;
I guess I just love a woman like you, Your built, your look, everything is amazing.
I looked at him with a side glance and he immediately said;
I don't want you to think I am flirting with you... because I am.
OK he got me with that cute move, I came out after I put away my things. We sat and talked for quite a while. About life, what we want to do, music, where we came from. What we want to accomplish while we are here at this location. What we like and dislike, all the while his smile and humorous flirtations just tickled me. He was so vibrant and hopeful, he looked at me like I am not just a woman he liked, but everything he ever dreamed and hoped for in the word WOMAN. I was his image of her placed right down in his path like a gift. He wanted to know me and that was a nice experience.
It is a similar situation every time I come across a younger man. I am more often than not treated like my time was a gift that I was sharing. This is not just one young man one evening this is over and over again from the younger men who try to get and keep my attention.
As i was about to get up to leave he gave me his hands to help me up. He looked at me up and down. My extreme large 6'4 600+ lb frame super curvy and thick with extra helpings of everything, compared to his 5'8 180 lb nicely built young body.
He then says, "I think I can pick you up"!
Humor in my voice I say, "go ahead try it".
Knowing he wasn't going to be able to.
He came in close and put his arms around my waist and rested them on my overly ample hips. I heard him smell me with a few deep breaths and press himself softly against me. He backed up slowly staring me deeply in my eyes.
"No... I don't think I would try to pick you up... I would rather make love to you, if i ever got close enough to you." "If I was ever given that chance."
He statement while serious and sensual it wasn't dirty... and it was said in such a sweet way that I couldn't help but give him a kiss on the cheek.
"AWE your too sweet... Then i smooched him.
"Can I give you one back?"
"OK" I replied
When he moved in closer to me with his arms around me he leaned up to kiss my face three times from my ear down my jawline.
As he did this my thought was... "I see why".
I saw why dating a young man with a fun, vibrant personality, yet sweet was something cougars do. These men haven't been through the ringer yet and hopefully they wont become like the men who are in my age rage now.
His kisses didn't come with expectation, he just lived with me in the moment and hoped to share more moments. He kissed my face so softly and sweetly as if he might never have the chance again. Yeah of course this could just be his way but whatever it was worked because I gave him my number to call me.
The next day I looked at the evening before and the kisses as just a wonderful experience and I then looked at cougars a different way. In many culture the older woman, young man relationship is very important. She in her wisdom teaches him to be a man and to treat women correctly. What type of women has the qualities for a wife and which don't. She takes this seriously and realizes she is preparing him for life with woman as companion. But now relationships are coming about from older women, younger men relationships.
What about relationships that start with young man/older women. Some studies have shown that they can be the longest lasting most successful relationships. In a twist other relationships with older man/younger women or partners of the same age do not last as long. Some say it is a horrible experience and some twist it to make it sick. Yet these relationships are still happening, the numbers increase, and more and more happy couples are coming about from it. I cant judge any one's relationship and if it works then I say be happy. Still I don't know if it would work for me.
As my phone range several times the next day, I wondered if it was this young man who had kissed me so sweetly with dreamy eyes. When I answered his voice was happy and excited.
"I have been thinking about you all day!" he said to me.
"I thought about you too." I replied.
So me and this younger man hung out, hand fun, and laughed more than I have laughed in a long time. There was no pressure, no expectations, just two people being people. I can say I enjoyed being with this young man and it opened my eyes to Cougar-ism in a new way.
I guess rules are made to be broken because I am going to date whoever actually wants to spend time with me, as two people getting to know each other. Now I cant say I would have a full blown committed relationship with a man much younger. But at this point I am never going to say never. I don't need to be proven wrong again! HA HA HA
