Long Lasting Love

It was a random late night watching Netlix, I was enjoying a nice movie.  It was a real feel good type... man meets dog and they become best friends, family setting really nice little town, little family, little people loving and going on in this world, When suddenly one sentence changed everything in my mind.

  The man in this movie who accidently meets a dog and brings it into his family, Has a wife and a daughter who just recently got married to yes a nice young man.  His daughter is having lunch with his wife after they speak about the fact that she is pregnant.  The daughter wants to speak to her mother about how her parents met.  Which is so sugary sweet you just want to love all over the both of them LOL, When the wife says something that really touched me. 

The conversation went something like this:

Daughter: Mom, you and Dad have been together a long time.

  

Mother: yes 25 years now.

  

Daughter:  Wow.

  

Mother: Me and your father have been together longer than we have been apart. 

   And there it is... They have been together longer than they have been apart.  When you think about that... out there in this world, people have been together, married, in love, through the good and bad, longer than they have been without each other.  The math behind that… to count your years on earth, and have spent most of them with your partner.

     I was in love with the idea, in love with the reality of it, in love with the fact that I know it is true.  Right now there are couples all over the USA all over the WORLD who have that.  Then I think... I might have already missed my chance at having that.  Chances are I will never have that

     You see... I’m almost 38 years old now, a widow for 11 years, and if you do the math.  If I met someone today that I ended up marrying, I would have to be with them at least 39 years to be able to say I have been with them longer than I have been without them. Which means; I would have to live until I was at least 77 years old.  Is it possible?  Yes it is completely possible, though with accidental death and health problems more and more people are dying younger.  Plus one more thing I don’t have a man in my life that fits marriage material.  I don’t have prospects currently which means every day and year that pass comes the reality that I might not ever be able to say, I have been with someone longer than I have been apart from them.

     That fact kind of crushes me a bit. For a moment I thought how amazing it would be, how I wished I could say that.  Isn’t that the true test of love?  Long term, forever love, for better or worse, in sickness and health until the day you die?  Isn’t that what people seek, love that is strong enough to stand the test of time.  When you have been together so long you don’t know nor want to know what it is like to be apart.

      I say to myself, that this type of love isn’t superior to another love.  It is just different.  Just because you were together longer doest meant that another situation cannot have just as much love and care involved.  Being a widow first hand I know this is true.  I had my husband in my life for 3 years in total 1 year dating then engaged and 2 years married.  It also made me relate even more to the movie.

     So back to the story our nice family now includes, A great husband, talented wife, loving daughter who is now married to a nice young man with a baby just born and man's best friend ever faithful companion.  With a dare I say a special soulful connection to his master.    

     The husband and his furry friend walk everyday to the train station where man and beast part ways.  The man off to work the dog taking a tour of the neighborhood then home, before returning to meet his master again by the train.  As they are happily living life the unspeakable happens.  The man dies and on that day dog waits and waits ever faithful yet confused, Until family comes to retrieve him.  All attempts at keeping and relocating him failed.  He escapes again and again to wait for his best friend and owner who will never return.  For ten long years he waits everyday he waits until his dying breath.  With dreams and memories flooding into this kind creatures mind.  His last moments of life, were filled with fleeting moments in time of him and his master running, walking, meeting at the train where they walked home.  Is that not love? a Loyal pure love, though they are owner and pet still you can’t help but see that it is a undeniable showcase of love.

It makes me think about how I related to the movie:

I can relate to the wife whose whole life was devastated at the loss of her mate a good man one who she spent most of her life with,  More years together than apart.

I related to the daughter who tried to keep her father’s dog to love him and to care for him but finally understood she had to let him go to do what he needed to do,  wait for his best friend.

  

I related also to the dog, to the loyalty of love, to knowing what it is like to love someone so much that you want to wait for them, even though you know in your heart you will never see them again.  To find comfort in the act of remembering and giving honor to what you had.  To still be waiting after all those years.

  

     Isn’t this love just as amazing as the love of those who have been together longer than they have been apart?

     I even started to think about how many widows (wives who lost husbands) and widowers (husbands who lost wives) never marry again, some just can’t seem to get past the loss, others cannot put another into the position that will always belong to their mate who passed.  Being a widow myself I understand the feeling at a point in time I could never see myself marrying again.  Sometimes even though I am still young I wonder will I ever find someone who I am compatible with in that way again.  Others may  see it as you trying to replace your love with another and that just won’t do.

     Some feel like our canine friend in the movie, who went off on his own, he could have stayed with his master’s daughter in their home, with the nice husband and new son.  But he left never returning almost as though no other person could replace and be his owner now.  He rather wait until they can be reunited.  Loyalty and love is a powerful thing.

     Still yet when it comes to love you can’t say one love is better than another.  That you cannot know what love is unless you have been together longer than apart, unless your willing to spend the rest of your life alone. I know that is not a reality, that doesn’t mean I don’t dream about it.  Wish I could say that sentence and have felt what its like.  To be with someone longer than I have been apart from them.  

     Maybe I won’t be gifted this experience in my life.    If I marry again it won’t be because I want to replace my husband.  He has his own place in my heart.  It will be because someone else was able to capture a piece of my heart. I don’t feel it is a dishonor to him.  If I don’t marry again it isn’t because I need to punish myself, It is not to honor his memory it is because the map of my life didn’t have that detour printed.  Maybe a bit because my husband treated me so well, I won’t accept someone who won’t treat me equally as good. 

  

     Either way… I know love is something that seems like a simple word, but with strong connections and I respect all versions of this connection, including those between man and beast.  Still when times are quiet and I have only my own thoughts I think about loving someone and being with someone longer than I have been apart from them.  We all can dream can’t we?

 

MOVIE:

 

  

Hachi: A Dog's Tale  2009

When his master dies, a loyal pooch named Hachiko keeps a regular vigil -- for more than a decade -- at the train station where he once greeted his owner every day in this touching drama based on a true story.

Face to Face with a Nightmare!

FACE TO FACE WITH A NIGHTMARE!

Seeing into the eyes of a Pedophile

 

I happened across the WWYD (What Would You Do) series on YouTube, and for about a week I was so into watching it.  The show What Would You Do is by Dateline NBC, they create scenarios in public with actors to see, what the average everyday person in public would do if a particular situation arose.  Would they help out, make a statement, stand up for someone, stay quiet and why would they do, what they did.  I found it very informative, how they public reacts to people because of age, race, sex, the way they are dressed, body stature, size,  if they look mean or not etc. 

This show is very uplifting, when you see them create a scene in which a child is being treated unfairly, a woman obviously abused is in public with her abuser, people who are drunk trying to drive away.  The way the public sometimes bands together to stop injustice or to help a stranger they don’t know is a actor for the show.  It can be very touching, something happened on the show that took me back to a few years ago when I had a What Would You Do moment.

It was more than a few years ago… more like 9 years ago.  I was doing something quite normal.  I was out shopping with my daughter who was about 8-10 years old.  We decided to wander around one of our regular spots in the Bronx, Parkchester Ave by the 2 line.  We went to check out some sneakers at foot locker, we then did some browsing at the pet store to see the animals, picked up some supplies, then went next door to the Burger King.  I don’t particularly like Burger King but they have a play area and what kid you know doesn’t want to play in the play area right?

What I liked about this burger king was there was a sectioned area a few steps up that had seating right by the play area with about six tables so you can watch your children right through the door of the play room.  The rest of the dining area was a few steps down and out in the open.  Before we eat, I tell my daughter to go play, and she is just enjoying herself when another mother arrives and makes her way to the same area.  We mothers think alike; let’s grab a table by the play area.   She lays all her bags down and seats her child in the seat.

The mother was about my age, she was Spanish in nationality, not sure what kind, nice looking with a pretty cute Spanish little girl about 4 -5 years old.  I smile at her while she told her daughter to stay right there and not to move.  She walked about 15 feet over to the wait in line and order.  I then engrossed myself into my cell phone playing a game.  That is when I came face to face with a nightmare.

Being a New York native there are certain things about me since childhood I was taught by my parents actions and my environment.  I want to have my back to the wall so no one can come up behind me.  I made sure I not only picked the door closest to the playroom so nothing can come between me and my child, but also because it was a few steps higher up from the rest of the dining area and I can survey and see everything around me and out in front of me.  An added benefit was that I had no plants or other décor blocking my view (all of that was over to the side).  I don’t think about it, I do this naturally years of training have a way of influencing a person.

While I play a game on my phone,  I like most moms watch everything out of my side eye (peripheral vision).  That is when I see a man who was all the way on the other side of the dining room fold his newspaper and head over in my direction. Within 2 minutes of the mother getting in line for food he was on his way over and sat down one table away from the child, spread his newspaper  on the table and began to fake read.

I watched carefully out my side eye faking looking at my phone.  I didn’t want him to notice me watching him.  He glances several times at the child, she plays with a toy.  He folds then unfolded s his paper, I watch.  He glances at the mom still with a few people in front of her.  

I begin to feel the jitters, and my mind races; my mind screams to itself

“THIS CANT BE HAPPENING”!

“THIS IS NOT WHAT I THINK IT IS”!

“PLEASE… don’t let me go to jail today”!

I stop thinking and watch, my insides shake, and I must be on some bad medication, because I feel like a drug addict itching for a fix, only I’m not taking any medicine and the fix was to hurt this man.

“STOP JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS”!

Still I fake my game play while watching this man.

After a few glances in my direction, he doesn’t pay me much mind…  I start to take down mental notes of what he looks like.  Spanish man, late 40’s, dark hair straight with a wave, mustache cut a bit old fashioned, light skinned Hispanic could pass for white.  He speaks in Spanish to the little girl…

“Hello”.

She looks at him looks at her toy.

“What’s that”  He says as he folds his newspaper up.

She waves her toy at him, showing it.

Everything in my brain is screaming to say something, but I want proof, I want to know this man means to take this girl before I say something.  He could just get up and walk away.

He moves closer to her and says…  “Come here” while motioning to her and moving closer.

That was all I needed.  What are you doing? I ask with a strong voice

He snaps his head in my direction and we stare straight eye to eye.

You know what it’s like to look straight into the eyes of a pedophile?  I mean a real take your babies from you while in burger king pedophile?  A nab your kid from you while your head it turned pedophile?  I saw what I can only explain as dead eyes. Almost like he was in a hypnotic state and I shocked him back to reality. Emotions did register yet.

Being a mother I had so many things on my mind.  My child was literally five feet from me to my left.  This little girl was five feet from me to my right, and I was locking eyes with a man who crossed 20 feet of dining hall to get this child. 

He positioned himself in a similar way to the way I was.  Only my view point was to survey the area for safety and his was to look for a child. He picked a seat where he could survey the whole dining hall especially right across from the elevated play ground area and the seats which were there.  From his view point you can’t see the child sitting with the bags surrounding her.  The playground seating was in a semi circle she was hidden from sight by the wall with boxed plants (the Décor).   He was watching waiting for the opportunity, a mother getting food while her child sat.  He had to have been watching the mother enter and then waited for the chance.

I don’t know what kind of look I had on my face, but suddenly I saw fear in his eyes.   I saw guilt, I saw the OH SHIT I GOT CAUGHT LOOK! I realized how dark his eyes were and made a mental note of that. He then moved back to his seat looked down and folded his newspaper more and began to stand up.   I couldn’t take my eyes off of him, I wanted to grab the chair next to me and beat him with it.  I wanted to choke him, I wanted to scream, I wanted to smash his face.  I wanted to dig those dark eyes out of his face.  But instead I sat there hands gripping the table, when my daughter comes out of the playroom and the man leaves quickly.

Mommy, I’m ready to eat now.  She said.

Ok you sure you don’t want to play more?  I say trying to hide my distress.

She thinks and says ok just a few more minutes.  As she runs inside to slide the slide a few more times.  I breathe a sigh of relief.

I ask the little girl if she is ok.  She nods at me and continues to play with her toy.

I was nervous, I was looking for him but he was gone.  I realized how fast this all happened it wasn’t any time at all and he was trying to take this child.

When the mother comes over with their food I tell her what happened.  She was so thankful and touched her child with concern.  I said please no matter what don’t do that again if I wasn’t paying attention or wasn’t here anything could have happened.

When I got home I called my local police station but since he didn’t try to take the child or rather I stopped him they could do anything.  They can’t take a description put up a poster or anything.  I was furious then I blamed myself.

I could have done so many things but the presence of the children made me not get loud or violent.  I should have called the police.  Let him touch her or try to take her first.  I should have screamed for them to not let him get away.  I should have held him down.  All the ideas came out of me of what I should have done.  But I was frozen,  I don’t think I really could believe I was seeing what I was seeing,  I was scared I would scare the little girl and my own child.  I was scared I would try to hurt him if I stood up and I would go to jail.  I just held the table and spoke up but I let him get away.  I LET HIM GET AWAY!

I did stop him from touching/taking this little girl but he is out there to watch and wait another day and I think about that sometimes, sometimes more than I wish to over these past 9 years.  Why the police couldn’t at least take a description and compare it to the sex offender list in the area was because I didn’t call them at the moment and report it.  I didn’t detain the man and more so I didn’t let him try to take her away.  If I had let him try and then stop him I would have proof to get him arrested.

It only took 60 seconds from the moment he sat down to the moment he moved in on the child. I guess I know What I Would Do in this situation, still I feel like I didn’t do enough.  But at least He didn’t take a child on my watch.





A Letter from the Good Guy - A responce from the Good Girls

Dear "Good Guys"

Stop chasing the backwards crazy chick who doesn't want you, but keeps you as her back up. Stop running after her hoping she will want you one day, after she goes through hell and back, DO YOU REALLY WANT HER AFTER ALL THAT with the complexes and bullshit? STOP STOP STOP have some self respect, and look around at someone who cares about you, and respects you for who you are. Maybe she wasn't your first pick, or who you lusted after for years, but she is the better choice. You keep asking why backwards chick is treating you this way, and you know the answer. She doesn’t want to be with you ROMANTICALLY, and you don’t want to admit it to yourself, but you’re the good guy and a good person. She wants to be your friend, and reap the benefits of that friendship and your feelings for her. She knows you like her, a part of her might even know it’s wrong to lead you on, if she really thinks about it. Some of you won’t take NO for an answer because you want to wear her down and get the prize, but what are you getting someone with luke warm feelings for you, not pure passion? Instead of chasing that chick, who doesn't want you to be her man, because she is not feeling you, and just isn’t into you like that. Look at the woman who is feeling you, and who likes you just as you are, and wants to share her life with you. When you move on and aren't available to that backwards buster, and she suddenly wants you around, DONT YOU DARE leave the woman who cherishes you to go back to buster-land, being her 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th choice depending on who is talking to her today. Using you like a leaning post because your good ole Mr. Reliable. When you respect yourself as a man for what you have to offer a real woman, you won’t settle for less. Then you will find a woman who won’t try to make you settle either.

 

PS: Backwards chicks do not make you turn into assholes, they don’t make Good Guys Scarce either. Good Guys won’t change your giving that Buster too much control over you. If you allow her backwards behavior to change you then you need to look at yourself first and think about why you’re accepting this crap on a plate as The Cake you Desire. And you are just DYING TO EAT IT UP!

Sincerely

 

The Good Girls who are tired of guys throwing us to the side for

Backward Immature Chicks

 

A Little bit of Raqui-ism for your day! HUGS Raqui

When Someone You Love Dies

This topic is one I am familiar with. Having lost my husband eleven years ago, having been there for others, during their losses. I understand the pain you feel and how living after the loss of a loved one’s life is hard… harder than some think.


Some people just ignore the feelings, and fill themselves with anything, and everything they can to distract from facing the pain. Some of us try to stay strong through the mixed emotions, until we have small break downs, usually in private away from others. Then some just break down deeply, and hard it seems like recovery would take a miracle, and we sometimes wonder will they follow their loved one?


First off there is no wrong way to mourn the loss of a loved one. But you must mourn, and face the feelings at sometime, even if we mourn as we go. We must also keep living and that can be hard for some of us to even think of.

Mourn as we go is a term taught to me by a good friend. One of my best friends actually, I called her Dee and she passed away this past month July 16th 2012. We started calling each other sisters, everyone else did, it didn’t matter that we looked nothing a-like or we talked differently. We both were big women and instantly people saw us as family. While we may not have been blood relatives we were Soul Sisters. We shared so much about our lives and feelings, we agreed to disagree on a lot of stuff but we still talked about it and made our jokes and crazy remarks. We laughed a lot and told lots of stories, we were both widows, and I was there for her during her loss. That brought back many feelings for me, and we were able to relate well since I understood what she was going through. Neither one of us thought we would marry again, so we had a little agreement. We would hang out and have adventures, be fat, drink and be merry. Live life as fully as we could and have a good time all the way. I would make sure she didn’t turn into the crazy cat lady, and she would make sure I didn’t turn into the smelly pee lady.


Mourn as you go was something we spoke about. I was totally devastated when my husband died, it was a shock. Dee’s hubby was very sick and his death was one that was coming, but still we all thought there was going to be more time. In the end we all knew his suffering came to an end, so it was a bitter sweet mourning. Thankful that his suffering ended, but yet sad all the same, and that they (as a couple) didn’t get to have that grow old together feeling. Many things felt like life cheated the family out of a great man, husband and father. But still everyone knew he was better off in the next realm. It was hard and mourning as she went, and teaching her children to mourn as they went was helpful in many ways.


For some reason people tend to rush the mourning process as if losing a loved one is not a full change in life. You have a whole part of you missing when you lose that person. Sometimes there are positive things when someone passes (if they were sick, hurting others, if they were not at rest, mentally stressed or strained to the point of disruption) but always the feeling of loss is negative and hurtful. Those mixed feelings are hard to deal with, a lot of people don’t understand that death is something that sometimes needs to happen, and you can feel many different ways about the death of a particular person, yet still have a hole in your heart for them. Mourn as you go is the art of releasing emotions as they come, even taking the time to mourn and release in positive ways. Laughing and smiling sharing stories, crying and leaning on another (allowing yourself to feel vulnerable and protected), thinking about the good times, the bad, and the sad, feeling lonely and hurt, yet still celebrating the time you had with them.


Mourning is not an exact science and there is no time limit on it either. Some people tend to believe that after a certain time period you should be over it already. They have no idea how to mourn.


First off losing a loved one is a permanent situation. Once you lose you cannot get it back, there is no replacement that will heal that missing part of you. I personally use this example to explain losing someone you love. If you lose a hand, arm, leg, your sight, hearing, sense of smell etc. Life will never be the same, you keep living but you live differently. You adapt to the loss of your senses or to the loss of a body part. You don’t do things exactly the same anymore but you keep going. That is what losing someone you love is like, you adapt to life without them, life will not be the same and you will always remember life before the loss, you just keep living and adapt.


Every loss will be different and your feelings and emotions will develop differently. That doesn’t mean the loss of one person is worse than another, it is different and you deal with it differently. But you must deal, and you must mourn, and you must go on. We shouldn’t be ashamed of mourning; it is part of moving forward after loss. We should see it almost as a celebration, to love someone so much that they affect our lives deeply. We must see some joy in that pain, because we have to have been very happy to be so sad. It is all up to the individual on how you mourn but I have found mourning as I go to help me in many ways. Not being ashamed of my emotions and living and mourning in the moment has brought out my humanity and allowed me to share myself with others during a hard time in my life.


I stopped asking why, I stopped thinking what if, I realized I was blessed to have such a special friend who became my sister and had to go on to the other life, the best life after this one. I will mourn as I go and never forget how much she meant to me. Why would I want to forget?

COUGAR-ISM - A lifestyle to live by?

This is a question I have been asking myself for a while. Being a 37 year old single woman is not always a easy thing, but it is no terrible either. My husband died almost 11 years ago and I am on the adventure of my life. Traveling and visiting, seeing places and passing through locations I never thought I would see. I feel happy and peaceful for the first time in my life and will never regret my decision to try and see a few little spots in this wonderful US-of-A.

When it comes to dating I live by certain codes.

1. I will not date or have sex with a man who has been with someone I know well. I don't care if they did break up, if the woman is not OK with it I AM NOT OK WITH IT! And in reality it kinda creeps me out thinking about sharing a penis with one of my friends. BLEECH!

2. I am not interested in women. Yes I am straight and while I love my female companions in life. I never have nor will I ever see them sexually.

3. I am a big woman who will not apologize for my size. If you don't like it don't look. While I might be HUGE woman(6'4 and 600+ lbs) in comparison to others, I have never had a lack of attention from men.

4. Be open and honest with your needs and wants to avoid confusion.

And I am ending it here because I could go on.

5. When it comes to dating I prefer a man in my age range. Being a Cougar is not my style.


Now I have dated a younger man a few times in my life. 2-4 years isn't much of a difference. I was engaged at one time to a man 6 1/2 years younger and I felt weird about us dating at first. I was turning 31 and he had just turned 24. I did realize that 6 1/2 years wasn't that much of a gap when we had so much in common and we enjoyed each other. Alas it did not end well, and I felt a lesson was learned.

After that relationship I was being approached even more often by younger men. I wondered how could women in there 40's or older date such young men? Like the ones who were approaching me. What future do you have if any? Doesn't it feel strange dating or going to bed with someone closer to your children's age? Is being a Cougar a good lifestyle for a woman?


Definition of a Cougar (about.com) - The most commonly-accepted definition of a cougar is a woman 40 years of age or older who exclusively pursues very young men. The onset of the cougar years is hotly debated. Some feel that a cougar can be as young as 35, but women of this age would not be viewed as cougars unless their sexual conquests were no older than 25; the ten-year age difference seems to be an unspoken but accepted minimum between partners.

Typically, cougars prey upon men almost young enough to be their sons. Thus forty-something cougars would be attracted to men in their 20s, and fifty-something cougars would pursue men in their 30s and so on.

During my daily life I do not pursue younger men, I am the one being pursued. These men are not a few years younger than me, but 10 years or more younger. Some just out of high school at the age of 19 or 20 years old. I constantly tell these men that the age difference is too great, but they do not back down, they are determined to show they are a man, and one worthy of a date. A man who can hold his own and be a companion to a older women.

"Us Younger men treat older women better than the older guys." - one 24 year old told me while we chatted on the phone.

While networking I talk to many women. I have learned that the average cougar is not what is seen on TV, A super slim, plastic surgery patient, who is rich or well to do, searching bars at night or meeting in night clubs to pick out and go after younger men. The average cougar is not a predator at all, I'm not even sure cougar is the right term. They are taking care of home, maybe a widow, divorced or single. Maybe they have children or maybe not, They are not HUNTING for younger men, they are chased by them. Slowly being convinced by these young men that they should be given a chance to spend time, date or maybe more. Yes many of these young men want relationships, and are more than ready to start a life with a woman who is not in their age range.

In fact many younger men have a strong resistance to seriously dating women their own age. I have heard it all.

"It is just to much drama and problems". a 23 year old told me.

"If its not their gay best friend, it is every female friend they got in our business, or their family or mama". One 27 year old said

"If I treat them nice they treat me like a dog". "If I am a asshole they love it and cant get enough, I cant be a asshole and I don't want to be either". a 25 year old young man vehemently spat.

"I don't want to live in a reality show, have you seen how some of these chicks act"? a laughing 24 year old told me during a phone conversation.

"They dress like candy canes, act like drama queens, and have no sense of pride". a 21 year old told me strongly one evening at a dinner. He was a bus-boy.

"Maybe it is the females your picking". I said in reply.

"Why do you think I am talking to you, your a real grown up woman".
"That is what I want". The 21 year old told me with out hesitation.

I never wanted to date a man that much younger than me because I felt my own mother made a mistake in marring my father 10 years younger than her.

My mom was a young mother in her early 20's (with 3 children), when my father (only 11 years old at the time) would pass by every day to look at my mother from afar. Sometimes going inside and saying hello. My mother worked at the local dry cleaners in the Bronx NY, to provide for her children from her 1st marriage (an abusive drug addicted man she divorced). She worked very hard and was a good mother. My father had a full blown school boy crush (one that I have found most men share) the crush on there ultimate woman.

She is the woman around the block or town, she is the teacher they love or hate, she is the baby sitter that cared for them, the female friend of their mother or mother of one of their friends. She exudes everything womanly. In her 30's 40's or 50's these women that boys love as they grow up, are everything they want in a woman. They represent the ultimate in female, strong, confident, self-assured, provider, temptress, fully mature with ripened breasts. Bellies that have carried children, and legs and butts that have swollen. They have a movement that is looser, more relaxed than a young woman but is not of a old woman. She is just right. She comes in all forms, tall, short, skinny, fat, really fat, and all in between, she can be dark or light, long hair or short. She is exactly what the young man sees as attractive. She can be every woman or fit a certain type.

She isn't seen as a mother figure like most people believe. In fact many younger men hate the term cub (the cougar and her cub) because they date older women. These women do not represent MOTHER, one young man told me. They represent everything womanly and feminine, confident and able, mentally stable and no-nonsense.

"They are the best of everything that is WOMAN"! one 26 year old told me as we had a conversation.

My fathers crush lasted way into his late teens and developed. When he finally was a physically mature man and able to go into the navy (during Vietnam) he told my mother he wanted to marry her and would be back. He wrote her letters during the war, and while he saw others, he never lost sight of the woman he really wanted, the one who he had been watching for years. While his teenage hellos went by unnoticed by my mother, his love grew, Until finally he was a man and could express it.

After the war he came back actively pursuing, wooing, and married my mother at the ripe old age of 21 with my mother being 31. No one could tell the difference in age (My family line is one that gracefully ages, on both sides, always looking 10 years or more younger.) I was born when my father was 26 and my mother 36. They loved each other fiercely but yet my father was still to young mentally and life was not happy. Mom tried hard to make it work, but after 11 years of marriage it was over. My mother divorced my father all the while he protested. My Father has said he owes everything to my mother she taught him so much and he changed because of her. He grew up. Still to this day my father would do anything for my mother if he could. I guess you never lose sight of your first love.

I didn't want to be that woman, helping a young man grow up. NO I WANT A MAN WHO IS GROWN ALREADY! But during the dating process I started to notice something. Many men (not all but many) in my age range who are single, and available, seem so sad, mad, hopeless, hurt, and yes some down right depressed and affected. Lets say jaded in some ways, maybe years of hurt, pain, and failed relationships took its toll on them. To the point they don't even try anymore.

The younger man isn't that way, they are hopeful, ready, happy, funny, and looking for some joy to counter act the hard work they are putting into developing themselves. Younger men still have some romance left in them. They take a chance in speaking to a woman even if they feel she is out of there league. They are not as afraid of rejection and openly flirt, yet they don't have particular expectations. Open to listening and talking, not judging and enjoy what the older woman has to say. They appreciate a older woman who spends whether its talking, going out, or more. They know she doesn't have to pick them to spend time with and are happy if she does.

Men my age feel that if they have a house, car, and a job they don't need anything else. Maybe that will impress a woman in her 20's but a woman in my age range needs more than that. Chances are we already have our own house, car, job and maybe more than what he has. He isn't giving the one thing that would impress a woman in her 30's 40's 50's genuine interest, companionship, and worth. Many men in there 30's 40's 50's feel if he isn't getting exactly what he wants, as he wants it, then getting to know a female is a waste of time. Why even bother having a conversation if she doesn't fit in his little box of wants, forget that she is a individual of her own. It is what she can do or will do for him immediately. The thing I don't get is if you don't get to know a person how can you figure out what they can or cannot do? Most importantly what can you do for her in return other than talk about yourself and the items you own.

It seems like The difference in approach is significant.

As a loose example here are two approaches from men that happened to me with in a week period. (this does not represent all men)

The Man in his 30's - He saw me our eyes locked and he walked past me. I saw the attraction and waved hello to him but he kept going only coming back when a friend of mine was walking to my vehicle. He got my name from her and then came over to speak to me. We spoke briefly he flirted some but was more focused on telling me what he had, such as house, car, etc. He thought I was 25 when I told him I was 37 he was surprised. We exchanged numbers and the phone call he promised, didn't happen. He texted me a invitation to his house two days later and when I suggested we meet up to get to know each other he declined. I understood he was only looking for one thing but the way he handled the situation was totally classless. I could have been looking for the same thing but he guaranteed rejection with his actions. What happen to the Get to Know a Person Process?

The Man in his early 20's - Upon parking I was getting together my items to place in my shopping cart to enter my residence. He was sitting outside smoking a cigarette. My cart rolled away, He ran up to help me, His eyes were large and almost dreamy while I said thank you and put my items inside. He watched me carefully and smiled at me as I started walking. He opened doors and kept asking me questions about myself and answering questions about himself. He made me laugh and I didn't want to go inside because this was a nice conversation. He was also was surprised at my age, he thought I was 26 (he is 24).

When i told him my age he said;

I guess I just love a woman like you, Your built, your look, everything is amazing.

I looked at him with a side glance and he immediately said;

I don't want you to think I am flirting with you... because I am.

OK he got me with that cute move, I came out after I put away my things. We sat and talked for quite a while. About life, what we want to do, music, where we came from. What we want to accomplish while we are here at this location. What we like and dislike, all the while his smile and humorous flirtations just tickled me. He was so vibrant and hopeful, he looked at me like I am not just a woman he liked, but everything he ever dreamed and hoped for in the word WOMAN. I was his image of her placed right down in his path like a gift. He wanted to know me and that was a nice experience.

It is a similar situation every time I come across a younger man. I am more often than not treated like my time was a gift that I was sharing. This is not just one young man one evening this is over and over again from the younger men who try to get and keep my attention.

As i was about to get up to leave he gave me his hands to help me up. He looked at me up and down. My extreme large 6'4 600+ lb frame super curvy and thick with extra helpings of everything, compared to his 5'8 180 lb nicely built young body.

He then says, "I think I can pick you up"!

Humor in my voice I say, "go ahead try it".
Knowing he wasn't going to be able to.

He came in close and put his arms around my waist and rested them on my overly ample hips. I heard him smell me with a few deep breaths and press himself softly against me. He backed up slowly staring me deeply in my eyes.

"No... I don't think I would try to pick you up... I would rather make love to you, if i ever got close enough to you." "If I was ever given that chance."

He statement while serious and sensual it wasn't dirty... and it was said in such a sweet way that I couldn't help but give him a kiss on the cheek.

"AWE your too sweet... Then i smooched him.

"Can I give you one back?"

"OK" I replied

When he moved in closer to me with his arms around me he leaned up to kiss my face three times from my ear down my jawline.

As he did this my thought was... "I see why".

I saw why dating a young man with a fun, vibrant personality, yet sweet was something cougars do. These men haven't been through the ringer yet and hopefully they wont become like the men who are in my age rage now.

His kisses didn't come with expectation, he just lived with me in the moment and hoped to share more moments. He kissed my face so softly and sweetly as if he might never have the chance again. Yeah of course this could just be his way but whatever it was worked because I gave him my number to call me.

The next day I looked at the evening before and the kisses as just a wonderful experience and I then looked at cougars a different way. In many culture the older woman, young man relationship is very important. She in her wisdom teaches him to be a man and to treat women correctly. What type of women has the qualities for a wife and which don't. She takes this seriously and realizes she is preparing him for life with woman as companion. But now relationships are coming about from older women, younger men relationships.

What about relationships that start with young man/older women. Some studies have shown that they can be the longest lasting most successful relationships. In a twist other relationships with older man/younger women or partners of the same age do not last as long. Some say it is a horrible experience and some twist it to make it sick. Yet these relationships are still happening, the numbers increase, and more and more happy couples are coming about from it. I cant judge any one's relationship and if it works then I say be happy. Still I don't know if it would work for me.

As my phone range several times the next day, I wondered if it was this young man who had kissed me so sweetly with dreamy eyes. When I answered his voice was happy and excited.

"I have been thinking about you all day!" he said to me.

"I thought about you too." I replied.

So me and this younger man hung out, hand fun, and laughed more than I have laughed in a long time. There was no pressure, no expectations, just two people being people. I can say I enjoyed being with this young man and it opened my eyes to Cougar-ism in a new way.

I guess rules are made to be broken because I am going to date whoever actually wants to spend time with me, as two people getting to know each other. Now I cant say I would have a full blown committed relationship with a man much younger. But at this point I am never going to say never. I don't need to be proven wrong again! HA HA HA